“Closing our hearts makes it impossible for us to give or receive the love that is given to us. ” – Bell Hooks

I feel calmer and more grounded. The few series of events and spoken words, kindly reminded me that many things are out of my control. That even in the event of my preparations to prevent the worst, it can still happen. So why fright, why worry?

Careless things happen when we move in hast. When we move in raw emotion with no direction. These moments have been some of my greatest lessons. A pivotal moment for me was the aftermath of the initial spike of COVID-19. Everything was so ‘new’ and not clear, the raised of confusion heightened the anxiety everywhere. Allegations of what was the cause rose and treatment suggestions often felt far from science. It was a dark time. When fears and emotions took over the ability to see clearly. I’m not saying all suggestions were bad and none of the cause has an effect on humans but more so do they correlate to each other?

What I have gained from that moment is sometimes, when you have so much going on, everything becomes sensitive. You start connecting dots to things that were never connected, never corresponding. The two are not connected; you are just experiencing them simultaneously.

The doctor said, “As of right now, the little one is fine. That the bleeding didn’t necessarily correlate with the child’s health.”

Relieved a little; this was one of the most scariest times for me. My first child, I was already nervous if I was going to be a good mom, and the doom-thinking reality of miscarriages and complications because of my SCD all flooded me. I was beating myself up for not being able to eat, praying for protection over brain development. I was scared.

In a conversation with my sister, she questioned me, “Who’s to say something down the line won’t affect little one vs. me trying to prevent that from happening now.” it hit me: Why am I trying to play the role of God?

We can’t control a lot of things in life but we can control how we react to them.

Hope starts to die when we think we are alone. My beautiful sister who I had so often fought with reassured me that I am not alone, I have support. And boy she was right. Deep down I know she was and the right people came up and showed out with love. But it’s hard to be vulnerable when you feel like you have to be protective of yourself against everyone.

** Original entry was written in June 2022. The quote from Bell Hooks comes from her amazing, thought-provoking book All About Love: New Visions.

Read recommendation : All about love by Bell Hooks

Song of Choice : The Battle Is the Lord’s by Yolanda Adams